Classic English Manners
Before we embark on this fascinating, if rapidly declining, side of British culture, it is good to iron out one or two misunderstandings. The upper-classes are not really cold, nor are they supercilious; they just seem that way at times to those outside their elite circles; the truth is that they are more comfortable mixing with their peers.
It is simply that the British nobility, with their agrarian roots, are on the whole very private individuals who relish their own space. Unlike some of the more contentious, hot-blooded nations, old-money Brits prefer to keep themselves to themselves, rather than risk an outward show of conflict or emotion; the latter would be considered 'bad form'.
It is sometimes difficult for the foreign visitor to comprehend that in Britain a genuine open interest in somebody else’s situation can be misconstrued as prying. You have only to sit in the first-class carriage of a commuter train (where the sole sound is the rustle of newspapers) to realise that the more senior British, in particular, are very tight-lipped. If you stripped off to your underwear and sang ‘The Red Flag’ it is more likely everyone would studiously look out of the window and pretend it wasn’t happening. So you see, like many northern European peoples, the upper-class British often warm only to strangers after formal introductions followed by long acquaintanceship.
This becomes more apparent the higher up the social ladder you climb. For instance, however polite, hospitable and seemingly enthusiastic the upper-classes are, on first meeting you will find it difficult, nay impossible, to venture further than small talk. Tricky to unveil, this end of the class system is impenetrable to outsiders or even anyone not in their immediate circle. They don’t air their domestic or financial problems in public. For instance, if you met one of them who only had weeks to live, it is unlikely that you would get even a breath of the impending tragedy.
Another disconcerting foible of the upper-classes is their wry, straight-faced, self-deprecating sense of humour. The great British put-down is nearly always aimed at the perpetrator himself. This can be perplexing for foreigners who can’t, for the life of them, see why a well-respected human being should deliberately choose to make himself a laughing stock in the eyes of his peers. Perhaps it should be explained that in English society anyone who takes himself too seriously or is a habitual show off is inevitably taken down a peg or two, usually by means of acerbic humour or tongue-in-cheek remarks.
Talking about money in polite society can be a social minefield – the best advice is probably don’t - unless someone else broaches the subject first. NEVER ask anyone how much they earn it is considered the height of bad manners; as is boasting about your own wealth. One of the paradoxes of English society is that the more wealthy your background the more you are meant to play it down and complain about how expensive everything is becoming. Conspicuous consumption is viewed as rather vulgar by the old aristocratic families.
They take great delight in finding a bargain, just the same as anyone else, and often in spite of great wealth will make things last for two or three generations. It is not unknown, for instance, for a gentleman to give his father’s bespoke dinner jacket an annual airing at the hunt ball or for him to land a salmon with his great-grandfather’s rod. Sometimes the most regal families in the land are the most petty about spending even small amounts of cash. The Queen herself has been known to organise scrupulous searches for a lost dog-lead and the author was once quite amazed, standing behind Prince Charles in the tea queue at polo, to hear him complain audibly about the price of the cakes.
On the other hand, while these canny people may cheese-pare to save a penny here and a pound there they can be surprisingly lavish hosts. ‘Open house’ is par for the course at some of Britain’s finest country houses; that is, so long as each and every house guest is familiar with the ground rules – see for more information on this subject.
Eating in ‘the grand manner’ can be disconcerting if you are unaccustomed to dining at a large table. Entering the fray of small talk, with ten or twenty strangers, whilst making sure that impassive staff haven’t ignored you, is definitely an acquired skill. Food is brought to your plate on a series of silver salvers from which you help yourself and it is customary to ignore the staff while you take a reasonably meagre portion of whatever is on offer.
Don’t overload your plate first time round, you won’t starve as the salvers come round at least once, if not twice, more. If you don’t like the food take it to appear polite but push it around your plate; no one will notice that you haven’t finished every mouthful. It just leaves more for the dogs. If you don’t drink, do the same with wine; take minute sips occasionally and leave the rest. In some households the butler will clear the glasses!
If you accidentally knock over a glass of wine, apologize but don’t make a fuss; your hostess certainly won’t, even when a red stain runs dramatically across her crisp white tablecloth.
It is worth knowing that cutlery is used from the outside towards the plate, in that order; port, if served, is traditionally passed to the left and, at the end of a meal, the napkin is left crumpled never neatly folded. Don’t pick up anything dropped on the floor, if you are dining in a formal household, the staff should do it for you – as in a good restaurant.
In gracious society it is incorrect to wipe the plate with our bread; dip into the jam with your knife (put some onto the side of your plate with the jam spoon); to use a salt shaker (again put some on the side of your plate from the salt cellar); to converse with your mouth full, to point with your knife and to eat peas off your knife or from an inverted fork. It is, however, perfectly permissible to eat asparagus, crudities and certain types of shellfish with your fingers. A finger bowl and clean napkin are provided afterwards.
Don’t be alarmed if you spot the odd aristocrat behaving badly at the table, just ignore it. Tradition states that as the aristocracy made most of the rules in the first place, the more eccentric among them feel obliged to break them on occasions.
One or two general points on good manners. Never queue-jump or push people out of your way. Avoid breast-feeding, making a scene, picking your nose or spitting in public. Never let a door shut in someone’s face, decline the offer of seat – (if you are a woman and it is offered graciously), shout loudly in the street, show off to the wine waiter, point at people or smoke near other diners, spoiling their food. Always sneeze or cough with a hand over your face, open the car door for a lady if you are a male driver and above all keep a sense of humour and try to be tolerant when things go wrong.
Related Sections:
The Aristocracy Revealed
The Aristocracy Revealed - 2
A Guide to Aristocratic Titles
Style Defined
Correct Social Address
House Guest Etiquette
An Invitation to Buckingham Palace
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